People that are close to me, know that I have a good sense of humor and that I am always quick to crack a smile. I am proud that I can stay optimistic about my life when things are getting difficult. I can pull through even the most challenging situations and still find something positive. I feel that’s one of the main reasons people are drawn to me…..my positive energy. I mean who would want to be my friend if I was constantly talking about how horrible life is? But just like I have stated in the past…I am human and this week confirmed that even I have sad moments.
I have officially lost count on how many surgical procedures that I have gone through, but I think I am coming close to 20. Each one gets harder to recover from, seeing as I have been going through this for the last 11 years of my life! When people ask me how I am doing, regardless if I feel like crawling back into bed, I will say, “I am doing good. Just struggling with some medical issues, but I will get through it.” Then I realize that there will come a day when I won’t be able to “get through it.”
Many of you have read my February blog, “Silver Lining” where I detail my trip to the emergency room with a cyst and a kidney stone. Well this week, I was having a pain in my back and I had a feeling something was not right. So I headed down to the ER, just to find out I had not one…..but two kidney stones, bladder infection and to take it to the extreme (because I can’t be normal), I also had a kidney infection. I spent the evening in the hospital getting I.V. antibiotics and then was released to continue my pill party, while following up with my physician. I went into the office for work the next day and people were shocked I was there. “Why are you here? Are you alright?” they said. I guess the truth is, I don’t know any other way to do it.
It is 1:35am and I can’t sleep. My living room is completely dark except the glow of my laptop. I am sitting on my couch, staring into the screen, trying to find my inspiration to blog. Without the distractions that I fill my day with, I think about my health. This is when it really hits me. When I slow down my life, when I turn off the noise from the day, I become aware that it is truly a miracle what my body has sustained. Put aside the Colon Cancer and Parkinson’s disease, I am only talking about this week. My body has created two stones in my kidney, due to an unbalance in my system. I have a bladder infection that has moved into my kidneys. My body is fighting off sickness and I go into work, just as if nothing has happened…..just a little tired. But this is how I have always done it. Keep moving, don’t slow down, because if I stop for a minute……my fear might chew me up and spit me out.
When I was driving to the ER, it was a bright, warm day. I was thinking about frozen yogurt (which how can you not, it is such a yummy treat that I want everyday). I was frustrated because I had to go back to the hospital and most likely get out too late for fro yo (that is what the professionals call frozen yogurt) not to mention wasting my whole day. As I turn in to the parking lot, I notice an ambulance and in the back window I can see a woman who is still, with an I.V. in her arm. Then suddenly a wave of sadness comes over me.
What if this woman passes away? I think of her family getting that call. Just a normal day filled with work, school, children and other distractions. Life changes in a second. Here I am driving around, worrying about frozen yogurt and death is happening everyday around us. But we are so afraid of it; we act like it is not real. I guess the real fear is that one day, that could be me. My family gets that call. My life stops…..but everyone around me keeps moving on. It’s a very surreal moment. Hey, I can’t be Pollyanna everyday! So now it’s your turn……tell me, how do you cope with the fear of reality?